Mom

It's the hardest job a woman will ever have.  I walked into Chayce's room last night to get onto her for not cleaning up after herself.  She had a couple of messes in my bathroom that needed to be cleaned up.  I walked in and there she was, sitting on the floor...reading her bible.  Instant joy!  I told her that I was happy to see her doing that and I laid my body across her bed to hang out with her for a few minutes.

I noticed that her eyelashes were wet and asked her what was wrong.  She began to try to convince me that there wasn't anything wrong but, MOTHERS KNOW.  Our children's feelings are imprinted on our hearts, it's this supernatural 'thing' that we are just able to pick up on their feelings.

She started talking to me, my ears were all eager and open to listen.  When her words come out, they hit me in my gut, similar to a boxer's uppercut.  She was hurting, confused, stressed, overwhelmed.  Instantly I switch into mom mode, my mind going 50 miles an hour: What can I do? What can I say? How can I fix this?  Sorting through all the questions that are flying through my head, internally I feel angry because I feel helpless.  I can't fix everything and sometimes, I have to step back because some things aren't meant to be 'fixed'.  I am her mom, I am her protector, her shield, I just want to take her in my arms and tell her that everything was going to be ok, but I didn't. 

I laid there and listened.  I shared my worries, my fears and my mistakes with her.  I apologized to her for being so fearful and worried for her and I told her that I hope one day she will understand, when she becomes a mother.  I explained to her that I would run and jump off of a cliff for her if I knew that she would never have to feel pain or hurt or heartbreak.  But again, I am helpless...I cannot save her from the world.  I cannot keep her locked up in a bubble, free from harm or life's difficulties. 

We talked, we cried, and after a while we even shared a few laughs.  I hoped I had relieved some of her anxiety and let her know that I would always be there, to listen to her, to cry with her, to make her laugh even if she doesn't feel like it.  When it was all said and done I asked her if she felt better.  She answered with a beautiful smile and a confident "Yes".

It was one of those moments that I walked away from praising God and thanking Him for the opportunity to really be there for my big girl.  So many times I feel like I just go through the motions, not getting the opportunity to show my kids the more gentle side of me.  I didn't solve any problems, I didn't 'fix' anything.  In that moment, I was given an opportunity to just 'be'.  Be still, be quick to listen, be slow to speak.  In that moment, it was Chayce and I, it was two girlfriends, it was a mom and a daughter...talking about life, about the past, about the future.  Talking about figuring out who you are and asking the Lord to reveal things in order to understand life a little more clearly.

I walked away with a joyful heart because it created an opportunity for open communication between a mom and her teenage daughter...and it was beautiful.