Chayce this is my letter to you. An answer of sorts, to your text messages about how you are feeling and how you perceive that I am feeling.
I'm putting this out there for all the world to see, well not really since my blog doesn't have 10 million followers but you know I am better on paper than I am in person so this is for you.
You are my first born, I became pregnant with you at 20 years old and had you two weeks before my 21st birthday. I had no business becoming a mom at 20 because I was very selfish, chasing after a guy who didn't want to be with me and I had this fairytale vision that once you came along everything would fall right into place. I was pretty freaking clueless about what it was to be a mom and especially to raise a child. I also didn't realize how hard it would be and that I would be doing it alone, or rather with Mimi and Pops. Blah, blah, blah...I know you have heard all of this before.
Looking back on everything, God knew what he was doing. Mimi had been diagnosed with cancer less than two years earlier so you were a bright ray of hope, sunshine, and flowers in every ones lives. Although I know that I probably broke Mimi's heart because I'm sure being an unwed, single mother wasn't what she had planned for me, she never, ever made me feel bad about having you.
Just like I probably broke Mimi's heart (in a much bigger way), there have been times when you have broken my heart. I have big dreams and high hopes for you because I see your potential and (not because I'm your mom) but I think you are pretty awesome. You have made me so very proud over the years and you are so many things that I wish I could have been.
I admire so many things about you.
I realize that you have dreams as well and that my dreams for you may differ from your dreams that you have for yourself. THAT is MY issue. I am only human and sometimes I don't deal with my emotions well and for that I truly am very sorry. I am still selfish because I see you as mine so it's hard to let you go. I also have a love/hate relationship with my emotions. I shut down when maybe I should open up. I get angry when I should cry. I try SO hard, I really do...I hope you know that. I want us to have a good relationship, I want to share in your joys and sorrows. I want to teach you to cope with the cruel world and but most of all I want to protect you from it. I can't do that though because when you are flying solo you wouldn't be able to stand on your own two feet and then I would have failed you. (Remember my story about how you are my beautiful flower and I'm trying to keep all the weeds away from you?)
I am in constant fear for you. God doesn't call us to have a spirit of fear and so that is something I pray about ALL. THE. TIME. Deep down inside I realize just how little control over you and your decisions, your life. Deep down I know that whatever God brings to you, He will equip you with what you need to see you through it but that doesn't mean that I'm not digging my claws in hanging on to you because you are my little girl and again, I fear for you. I fear that you will try so hard to do that things that YOU feel are right instead of letting God lead your path. I feel like you are in such a hurry to grow up and you are angry with me for being angry with you for being in a hurry.
Did you ever think that I'm not ready for all this? I'm not ready to let go of you. YOU ARE RUSHING. I'm not supposed to have a senior until next year. Did you ever think that all of this might be really hard on me...not only the fact that you are almost grown but you are pushing things on me a year earlier than it should be. You've been in a hurry to grow up since 7th grade. You don't just sit back and let things happen, your actions show that everything in your life needs to happen YESTERDAY, TODAY, RIGHT NOW. THAT is what makes me stay in a constant state of anger. With you in such a hurry...it's painful, it's like a punch in the gut and it keeps happening over and over again. You have dropped HUGE bombs on me each of the last three years of your life. Is there ever going to be a time (while you are still under my roof) that things can just go smoothly and there not be a constant cloud of gloom? I realize that teenagers are selfish, self-centered, annoyed by their parents, know everything and are invincible (remember, I used to be one) but seriously, have you ever stopped to think about how I feel about all this?
You are extremely smart, overly talented and you have so much going for you. I don't want to see you make the same mistakes I did, again I'm living in fear. I don't want you planning your future around a guy who may or may not be around 5 years from now. You have to think about YOU. You can't save anyone, I'm STILL learning that as a 37 year old. You have to live your life, put yourself first...you have to plan for YOU. If the guy is supposed to be in your future then God will put him there.
I am interested in everything you do. From the first time you breathed your first breath I have been interested in everything you do. For you to say that is completely NOT TRUE. Look over the last 16 years of your life, when have I not been interested in you? Did I not just spend a whole day in Ft. Worth so that I could watch you perform on your first day of cheer camp? (Were there any other moms that did that?) Have we not discussed colleges and looked up different schools, how much they cost, how close or far away they are? Questioning scholarship info? Did I not just stress about you getting your head shot done?
I don't want this, I don't want you to grow up. I don't want you to graduate early, I don't want you to be gone a year ahead of time. My heart bleeds because you are in such a hurry...there, I said it. I feel like I'm being robbed of another year of fun and memories with YOU. No more cheer camps, no more picking you up from school, no more report cards. I'm supposed to have another year of all these things with you. You are running away as fast as you can and I'm trying to hold on for dear life but I can't so I'm letting go, trying not to care or be concerned. Hoping this year will go by slowly. Sometimes I want it to go by quickly so that I can just get on with life and past the pain. I thank God every day that I have Channing and Camden because they remind me that I'm not done, that I have a second and third chance. I try not to think of all the time and things that after this school year will be long gone for us. My hands are tied and I can't do anything to change it so my spirit stays unsettled. I go through bursts of anger and defeat and that's why I come across as not caring. You have made a choice for your life. A choice I do not agree with and therefore I can't find the joy that you are searching for from me. I feel sorry for myself and think "I really must be the crappiest mom ever for my child to be in such a hurry to get away from me."
I have a path for you. In my perfect world you would follow it, it is straight and narrow. You would seek God first in EVERY aspect of your life. You would feel no pain or sadness. No one would be hateful to you, or make you feel like less of a person. You would experience joy and contentment being alone until you find love in a Godly man who isn't afraid to lift his hands in praise, who prays for you and with you. You would be successful in everything you do and you would live a long, healthy life. You would be filled with a constant flow of happiness. These are my dreams for you and you don't deserve anything less than that.
You will not understand my love for you, you will not understand that pain I endure, you will not ever understand until you give life to a child of your own. When your heart is walking around on this earth in human form, that's when you will get a glimpse of how I feel for you.
I will love you always and forever,