Sunday, March 17, 2013

Constant sadness

There are times in my life where I go through waves of discontent, sorrow or lack of joy.  I try to dig so deep for it, really I do.  I cry out to God, I look for scripture that comforts me and I try to focus on the positives in my life.

Lately, I'm finding it harder and harder for these things to see me through.  I hate that my kids see me so down.  Most of the time I try to hide it but in truth, how many minutes is a mom actually alone with kids in the house?  Is it even a matter of minutes?  More like seconds...

I've mentioned a time or two that I have battled depression in the past and it seems like it is creeping back into my life again.  I hate it because I truly do not want to be on medication but on the other hand it helped me get through rough patches before.

I feel like I've been in a year of constant sadness.  I don't mean that so literally, I do have really good days.  I enjoy spending time with my family, I find joy in my work, I do have good days. 

But those bad days...

They rush over me like huge ocean storm waves.  Black clouds looming above and all hell breaks lose.  I'm in the tiniest fishing boat out at sea and I'm all alone.  No land in sight, no rescue boat, just me and this giant storm,  Twenty foot waves standing tall above my head, and when I try to look up.


Right in the face.

Just when I get my eyes wiped clear and catch my breath.


Another wave.

I am alone.   Helpless.   Unprepared.   Cold.   Overwhelmed.   Lost.   Defeated.   Undone.


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