Never leave things unsaid....

The death of a radio DJ shouldn't leave me feeling compelled to share my heart but today it does.  Kidd Kraddick passed away on Saturday at the age of 53 years old.  I grew up listening to him and until about 6 years ago, he was a regular part of my mornings. 

Once I started listening to Christian radio stations, turning back to secular stations almost hurt my ears.  I couldn't listen for more than 2 to 3 minutes without cringing at the thought of what my children just heard.  Don't get me wrong, funny stuff, adult humor but not a seed I wanted to plant in my children's ears and minds. 

Kidd Kraddick was a wonderful man with a servant's heart.  He gave so much to so many.  How many of us can say that?  How many of us can leave such a legacy, how many of us could say we changed someones life?

I'm sharing my heart today, so in the event I leave this earth a little early than expected, my husband and children have my words to come back to. 

I am horribly guilty of taking life for granted.  Guilty of not appreciating the people in my life, guilty of discontentment with what I have.  Life is a precious, precious gift and none of us are promised tomorrow. 

James, my love.  You are a wonderful man.  I am so mean and hateful to you at times.  I can be childish and pouty and I do not like myself once I realize that I am that way.  We have been together for so long, we've both changed in so many ways and in many ways we've grown up together.  You took on a broken single mom and brown-eyed a little girl, both whom just wanted to be loved and valued and taken care of.  You have done all those things and more.  I look at our wedding pictures and I see two young kids who didn't have a clue but took a chance on love.  Marriage?  Who knew it could be so rewarding and yet so challenging all at once.  You are so loving and affectionate...two things I love and admire the most about you.  You are a wonderful provider, you go above and beyond at work to make sure your family is taken care of at home.  You are passionate and determined when it comes to things you have a heart for, although at times it frustrates me, being passionate is a wonderful thing.  You were so supportive when I stayed home with our kids, even though it was a huge sacrifice for our family and added extra stress on you to stretch our dollar.  You were equally supportive when I decided to fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming a cosmetologist.  I know that all other roads I previously took led me to right where I am supposed to be, and that is with you.  I have never felt more loved, more accepted, and more beautiful than I have being married to you.  You have loved me at my best, my worst, my heaviest, my thinnest...through it all your love never changed or lessened for me.  I couldn't imagine doing life with anyone else but you.  I hope you know that I have never felt with anyone what I have with you.  I value and appreciate all you are and all you do.  I love you today more than I did yesterday.  Thank you for loving me, even at times when I know deep down that I did not deserve you or your love. 

You are my soul mate, my love, my muff.  Always.          

Experiencing Summer Joy

It is summer, my favorite season of the year!!  Although, it has been unusually rainy for Texas, summer hasn't quite kicked into full gear yet. We are embracing every moment that comes our way!!

We've celebrated a 16th birthday!  She wanted some cowboy boots so we delivered!!  I made her a yellow cake with Cool Whip topping and piled fresh strawberries on top, it's her favorite!

Camden has received his 'summer cut'...a mohawk!  We lighten the ends of his hair and then color it with a wildly vibrant color that he chooses.  This year it was bright red.  It usually comes out pretty quickly with all the swimming we do.  This is pre-red.

 

We've also been spending lots of time with sweet friends!  Yesterday was Channing's first visit to Six Flags.  I was so incredibly proud of her, she was riding rides and really enjoying herself.  I am the biggest chicken and barely ride anything.  I'm so glad that Channing is not afraid to try new things!!

 

Chayce has also started her first job.  She has been wanting to work since she was 15 but no one really hires at that age anymore.  She landed and awesome position at a clothing store and started work three days after turning 16.  The center mannequin was her first time to put together an outfit for display at the store.  I think she did a beautiful job!!  She is so excited and loves her job!!! 

 

 

Constant sadness

There are times in my life where I go through waves of discontent, sorrow or lack of joy.  I try to dig so deep for it, really I do.  I cry out to God, I look for scripture that comforts me and I try to focus on the positives in my life.

Lately, I'm finding it harder and harder for these things to see me through.  I hate that my kids see me so down.  Most of the time I try to hide it but in truth, how many minutes is a mom actually alone with kids in the house?  Is it even a matter of minutes?  More like seconds...

I've mentioned a time or two that I have battled depression in the past and it seems like it is creeping back into my life again.  I hate it because I truly do not want to be on medication but on the other hand it helped me get through rough patches before.

I feel like I've been in a year of constant sadness.  I don't mean that so literally, I do have really good days.  I enjoy spending time with my family, I find joy in my work, I do have good days. 

But those bad days...

They rush over me like huge ocean storm waves.  Black clouds looming above and all hell breaks lose.  I'm in the tiniest fishing boat out at sea and I'm all alone.  No land in sight, no rescue boat, just me and this giant storm,  Twenty foot waves standing tall above my head, and when I try to look up.

BOOM!

Right in the face.

Just when I get my eyes wiped clear and catch my breath.

CRASH!

Another wave.

I am alone.   Helpless.   Unprepared.   Cold.   Overwhelmed.   Lost.   Defeated.   Undone.

Heartbroken.         

Daddy Daughter Dance 2013

Channing looks forward to it every single year...the day she gets her daddy all to herself.  They get all dressed up and they dance. Just the two of them and she eats it up. 

It's much like prom to her. We go shopping for a fabulous dress, plan how she wants to do her hair, and make sure that daddy matches her ever-so-colorfully.

It's a tradition James started with Chayce in 2007.  They sent a note home one year from school, Chayce wanted to go so we made plans with the dress and all.  Channing was too little to go at first. Then for a couple of years James had two little girls he had to dance with.  Chayce has out-grown the dance so now it's just Chan and daddy.

This year, they went out to eat before the dance with another daddy and his two daughters, from there they all rode together to the dance.  

Channing had mentioned a few days earlier that she was banning baseball talk between the dads.  The other two dads who went are are all baseball coaches on our son's baseball team.  Channing told her daddy that he was forbidden to speak anything baseball at the dance.  I thought that was hilarious!  (I also didn't blame her one bit.)  

Love

It's been waaaaaaay too long since I've last written.  I get online and I want to write but I feel like there's so much that has happened and it's been too long so I never post anything.

So here I sit today, contemplating where I should begin.  This is a blog, my journal, my life...when I don't write I feel like I'm doing a disservice to my kids by not documenting the goings-on in their daily lives.  My middle child is constantly wanting me to update because she really enjoys reading it, so here goes nothing.

Life is hard. 

Whether you are young, old, married with kids or single, life is hard.

I still don't have it all figured out, yet God has entrusted me with three of His babies to try to maneuver through this bumpy, messy, crazy ride called life.  

Parenting is hard.

I have a teenager.

She is a big, massive ball of beauty, pain, love, discontent, hope, fragility, promise and uncertainty.

She drives me crazy, makes me proud and breaks my heart all in the same day.

We've been on a roller coaster ride with her over the past year and never before have I cried out to God.  Begging him to change her and to change me.  While the storm has calmed, there's no guarantee that it's completely over.  

I have a 10 year old.

She's growing up so fast. 

She's still so little and silly but is beginning to experience how hard life is at times.

That breaks my heart too.   

She reminds me that little girls can still be sweet and thoughtful and care about their mother's mental well-being. (Hee!  Hee!)

I want to wrap her up and preserve her preciousness so that in 3 or 4 more years when she's a teenager I can have some of her sweetness to remind me that she once adored me... 

Then, there's my 7 year old...SON.

A boy.

"What am I going to do with a boy?" This was my first thought way back when we found out we needed to start buying blue.

Pure joy were the days when he used to rub my back when I was next to him on the couch.  The days when I would hold him in my arms and wonder whether he looked like James or myself.  

Those days are long gone.  They have since been replaced with baseball fields, dirty socks, stealing kisses from his pouty lips at night when he's fast asleep, and on occasion he will sneak up behind me and give me a great big bear hug that in return, I make sure to gush about so that he doesn't take them away from me anytime soon. I even beg him to let me hold him like I did when he was tiny. (And he still lets me!)    

Gone are the days of newborn baby smell, naps, diapers and tiny feet.  We've graduated to prom dresses, school bullies, lost shoes, and way too busy schedules.  

I treasure my kids often but many days, when life is hard I ask 'why me? ' I try to remember that each day is a new day because we are not promised tomorrow.  I know there is a plan for my life and each of my children's lives are already mapped out by the One who gave us life.

One day at a time. 

One prayer at a time. 

Loving them through whatever comes our way.

Forgiving myself for my mistakes.

And, thanking God I'm not alone in this life.

     

Final Vacation post....hey, I took over 200 pictures, what can I say?

Here is our beautiful Chayce about to eat at Fudpucker's

 

My beautiful Mom aka Mimi

My babies outside of Fudpucker's

Our first family picture while on vacation

Before we left for Florida, I had planned for us to have family pictures taken on the beach.  I decided on white and khaki for our wardrobe, so did nearly every other family we saw taking pictures on the beach each evening at sunset.  My mom took pictures of us and I think she did a pretty awesome job, especially considering she's not a professional photographer.  We did forget to get some shots but overall I am very happy with what we did end up with.

    

He didn't want to take this one, can you tell?

Of course, we had to get some shots of Mimi with some of her grand kids.

Oh, and when we thought it couldn't get any more amazing, on our last full day there, dolphins showed up right in front of our house and put on a little show for us.  It makes you realize just how much God loves us, all the beauty and wonder that he surrounds us with on a daily basis.  When you least expect it, there it is, right in front of you.    

Florida Vacation 2011...Part 3

We spent so much time in the ocean and in the sun.  The first day out at the beach was perfect, not too hot, a sweet little breeze keeping us just cool enough.  We didn't need a whole lot of relief from the heat, but every day after that it was pretty hot.  Not crazy hot, like our lovely Texas summer heat but hot enough that if you weren't under an umbrella, you were needed to take frequent strolls into the ocean which was so refreshing!  Cool water, so much so that it would at first take your breath away and need a couple of minutes to get used to it.  My girls and I only went to the pool once, for a warm evening swim, after that we didn't feel the need to go back.  The ocean was our oasis!

 
Chayce and I ended up getting semi-matching swimsuits while we were there...pretty funny!

One of the many beautiful sunsets we got to witness while in Florida.

More beautiful pictures of our amazing dancer Chayce.  It was so much fun taking these.  

Showing Ranger love even in another state!

Another catch

My two handsome guys, headed out for dinner.